Hello, all my beautiful people. I hope you’re doing well, but I know many people aren’t. In the last few months, there have been many things I thought about writing on. A few half-written posts. Some of those things are still relevant and might get posted, but not today.
On Tuesday my pastor called me. He’d been out of the state on vacation and hadn’t listened to the news. So when he got back to Denver, the protests were a surprise. He was calling various African American leaders in the church to talk about this and see what we as The Church can do. As the prayer team leader, he asked me if I’d be willing to record a prayer for Sunday.
I’m not going to lie, I wanted to say no. I’m still somewhat resistant to the whole talking to people and video things, plus I had no clue what to say. I have difficulty figuring out what I’m really thinking and feeling. If you really want to know my thoughts and opinions on something, ask me, then give me at least 6 hours before you want an answer. I will probably not actively think about it during that time, but thoughts will pop into my head.
Back to the topic at hand, I knew I was going to yes. Firstly, that’s just who I am. If I can help or do something I will for someone I will. Secondly, I’m trying to be more obedient. God keeps telling me to speak and I don’t think he just means the written word. He wants me to open my mouth. And third is that regardless of whether I said yes or no I was going to think about this topic. God was going to move my heart to the point where I feel I have to say or do something.
After praying and talking to my mom (because I didn’t want to talk to myself), I said yes. I tried to think of things to say but as usual, I felt like I was trying to force myself to do or be someone. In the middle of the night, words came to me. Thinking about it now, two days after recording the prayer, it comes down to a question of “How are you living out your faith?” Our world needs God and we are supposed to show Christ to others through our words and actions. Are we really doing that?
My answer is no. I mean I am, but not as much as I should. If it takes me outside of my comfort zone, I’m hesitant to do it. I don’t even realize it half the time, but I’m afraid of not knowing what to do or doing something wrong. It has nothing to do with wanting to look good for others. I have more important things on my mind than what you think of me.
My fear is about not being or doing enough. Somehow I’ve rationalized that it’s better to do nothing than not enough. And I know I’m not the only one who thinks like that. But these thoughts need to stop. If everyone decided not to act when something might not be enough, hardly anything would get done. It is not up to you or me to fix everything, but it is up to each of us to do our part. I’m not going to fix everything wrong in the world by myself and my definition of enough and God’s definition of enough haven’t been matching up.
But I will do what I can. The first part of that is to share the prayer I recorded. Do I want to? No. Do I feel I should? Yes. Did I call my mom at 10pm her time before recording it to get her thoughts? Yes, because my fear exists and God never told me that I need to battle it alone.
I’ve written more than I planned, but that tends to happen. Here is my prayer. Feel free to like it or not, share it or not, or whatever else you could possibly do.
I will talk to you later, my lovelies. Remember, love is an action. Live it out.