I’ve tried to think of how to write this post about my history with shame. I’ve started it a few different times, but erased all of that. I knew what I wanted to write earlier in the week, but failed to do so then. So now it’s Saturday night and I’m trying to write this.
I never thought that I had a lot of shame. But as I grew older I started having feelings of worthlessness and doubts in myself. I realized that it stemmed from things in my childhood. Little comments that I pretended didn’t both me. But it all built up.
I tell myself that I’m not worthless or others things to combat it, but other times I get lost in it. It can drown you.
Shame isn’t always because you did something wrong. It can be because of the things people do to do or say to you. Those things can embarrass you and bring about the same shame. Those comments built a foundation for more shame. Doing things that seemed to go with my interpretation of the previous events grew these feelings.
I’ve had a few depressive doubts. When those come about I had even more shame. Thankfully I’ve never felt like I was constantly swimming in shame. It just comes after I do something that I perceive as wrong.
I’ve realized that I need to be accepting of myself. Truly forgive myself. I’ve learned that it is okay to have doubts. It’s okay to stumble and fall. It’s okay to not be perfect. God loves me as I am, I should too.
One of my biggest reasons for shame is regarding my faith. Everyone around me thinks that I’m a better Christian than I am. Recently I admitted my doubts to myself and God. “I believe; help my unbelief!” Matthew 9:24b Honestly, that relieved so much of the shame I was hanging on to. Even shame not surrounding my faith.
I’m still working on it. I’m extending grace to myself and learning to accept the grace God extends me. I am forgiving myself and trying not to put pressure on myself. It’s okay to not be perfect. I just need to be me.